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My family did not question the arrest andВ verdictВ for many reasons, but the biggest was that my family was solidly part ofВ the white, dominant culture.

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It never occurred to me that the prosecution would withhold exculpatory evidence at the trial and that one of the young men, Isaac Knapper, would be wrongly convicted for murder and sent to prison for the rest of his life. We hadВ no idea that what we were told was filtered through the New OrleansВ legal system well known for its racist attitudes.В When the photos of the suspects, Isaac Knapper and Leroy Williams, popped up in our local newspaper, I remember looking at them closely and wondering what in their lives would have caused them to rob and kill. This was my first substantive exposure to someone from the Black community.В My family had been shattered by the murder and naГЇvely believed that the legal system in New Orleans would help us seek justice for the death of my father. Within hours, my family was told that вЂњtwo Black menвЂќ had tried to rob my father and his colleague. On his first day in NOLA, after eating dinner in the French Quarter, he and a colleague walked back to the Hyatt Regency.В At the entry to the hotel, they were held up by two young men, andВ my father was shot and killed. However, for my family, that changed in the spring of 1979 when my father traveled on business to New Orleans. In Maine, there was plenty of homophobia to worry about.

In fact, in high school I was just coming out to myself as a lesbian and I was preoccupied with the injustices in the LGBTQ community in the later вЂ™70s.

To say that race relations were not on my radar growing up would be an understatement. IВ cannot become anВ anti-racist without owning and identifying where racismВ lives within meВ and in myВ communities. I understandВ that it is impossible notВ to be racist when you grow up in an environment with toxic levels of bias, judgement and misinformation about people of color. This is not an exercise in self-flagellation, but rather an attempt to see where it stills lives in me. We must feelВ the pain that people of color have enduredВ and to use that pain to fuel action for change.Д®xamining my own whiteness and unearned privilege takes me back to my roots in Maine,В which remains the whitest state in the nation (2020).В Here I can begin to understand how seamlessly my own racist educationВ started and how deeply it lives in my cells. Racism lives in our bodies and therefore we cannot simply think our way of it.В We cannot escape into our heads and create a new community ideal without first feelingВ the impact of racism. They want to jump in but donвЂ™t know how or where to start.В Taking responsibility must beginВ with an increased awareness ofВ oneвЂ™s own biases-how they were created and how they benefit all white people.В Only then can any of usВ honestly own the role weВ are playing in perpetuating the status quo. In more intimate groups of well-meaning white people, I have heardВ many shareВ how they feelВ stuck,В frozen by guiltВ or fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing.

It is time for white people to take responsibility for changing theВ culture of racism by changing themselves and the unequal social structures they have created. The mass of diverseВ protestersВ across our country are screaming in one voice that inaction is no longer tolerable. ItвЂ™s been too easy to only think about Black lives mattering immediately following the killing of another Black person by the police. I have learned from antiracist friends and colleagues that racism is so deeply embedded in our societal structures and subconsciousВ minds that if you live your life without examining your biases and the biases of people who were instrumental in shaping your beliefs, you willВ inevitably replay the learned racism consciously or unconsciously.ДЇor many white people, it is too easy to believe that you care deeply about social justice but are too busy with work, taking care of kids, orВ paying the bills to joinВ an all-out war on racism. TheВ random fact of being born white comes with unearned power and an unseen advantage over people of color. In the U.S., systemic racism is one of the primary default programs all citizensВ useВ to filterВ day to day experiences. Like so many in our country,В I am sick-not from the coronavirus, but by the ways systemic racismВ continues to shackle and kill people of color in our country andВ by the ways in which too many white Americans continue to deny it,В look the other way and/orВ fail to see how their lives benefit from it. Racism lives in our minds and bodies-to end it, we must first find and feel it.

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